There was a time in my life, when I was stuck with a state of mind… Yes, it was “in my head”… a life that I thought is mine and a lifestyle I thought I wanted… Little did I know how subtly it was insinuated in me… because it worked for somebody else perfectly but ….I won’t say not for me, because I didn’t even know what would fit me to begin with. So, I was okay with it only because something should work for me.
Shamefully, that haze of a state remained for years and I “sleep walked” for so long that I could not wake my conscience up. Until things got sour, hitting me so hard that I woke up! by then, I had gone so deep down in the swamp, everything around me and everyone around me was “JUST WRONG” !!!
Life can slip out of your hands like thin air only to leave you realize what you are holding on so tightly is “nothing”… I DIDN’T know that, I WAS UNHAPPY. You open your fist and find wasted years, emotions on a wrong person who didn’t know your worth when he had it all.
Gave up hope, life was either a constant unhappy, paranoia or nothing. And, I was to make a decision…I chose NOTHING!
It was so hard, it was suicidal. It killed me everyday… I would often used to get double minded and try to go back to all those “invested” years. But then after thinking things through every time I came to the same conclusion. I needed me outta there!!! I knew my decision and it felt right. I was content with my decision. I knew I was asking for hardships and troubles and resistance but if your decision is right, It is right. And I believed in it.
From being “CAGED” known state to absolute nothing… was an experience of a life time. Taught me about a relationship that should be:
Made me see what a relationship between two people in love should be like… that when you look in the eyes of someone, you get the shiver down to your knees… When the warmth comes from thinking about someone. When you haven’t met someone and yet you feel you know them inside out. THAT’S LOVE!
And not those long hours on the phone, or forcing oneself in another’s life, fighting like animals, calling each other names. Love is possessiveness and not slavery.
The point was that I forgot what it should be like…I forgot what genuinely being happy with someone feels like… I only had to allow myself to realize it.
I magically got drawn towards a new life, a new beginning. And NEVER LOOKED BACK… though sometimes, it haunts me to think what my life could be, had I never refused the trash I was given.
Someone told me, you should stand your grounds, things and people will come around it. And it happened 🙂
It is always the case of “fear of the unknown”. The unknown is a threat that can pull your spirits down like in a jiffy and make you a cold turkey towards what you have been so warm and hearty about a moment ago… More doubts, people’s talk and an over analyzing mind can play quite a role in making a perfectly romantic, promising situation into a dubious one.
Come to think of it, so is known! What do we know about the known? How sure can we be? There are no guarantees to it! If you think about it, that known can become the most estranged thing you could ever know… the only thing common is that no one knows what your future holds for you… be it the known or the unknown… leaving you to make the right choice with the available knowledge… with a fear that you don’t want to regret it in up coming few years.
Instincts, the feel of it, the feel of it being right not necessarily on reasons or logic, but how it makes you feel. Like, You are being drawn to someone in a mysterious way…mysterious because it is not really a conscious effort, and it is still there….it stays with you…on the contrary, you run away, call it quits, try distract yourself only to find that you can’t run away from your own self. That is something True.
It could be that we become too at home with an idea that is hammered on us and like a hypnotic state we get brain washed with providing to somebody else’s perfect life, denying our own happiness. Yes, that is possible because c’est la vie! that’s life!
That’s how life sometimes get. It doesn’t try your options, It tries you! whether you know yourself or not? Do you know what you want? What is your priority numero ono? Have a vision for your life?How true are you to your own self? If nothing else, can you surrender to a higher power (God)? If you believe in something? Anything?
You then get your reward. You desire and deserve. So, the more confusing a situation is, the more it says about skewed priorities…
If you are feeling responsible for other’s life… think about your own life as well… think about who’d think for your happiness and your free will to choose from. That is your right and everyone should accept your decision with an open heart!
Winning or losing is in a game. In life, there is a decision based on what you want and always dreamed about. Compromising your dreams is crushing them. Crushing them is crushing you!\\
Never let go of Love. It is rare and almost extinct. People want it but don’t get it. And on top of it, very seldom it is mutual. People now fake it, sell it, use it to make deals. It used to be priceless and now has gone too cheap and that is very sad! True love is another level altogether. It comes to the chosen ones…once in a lifetime…it would be a crime to let it pass by like it was just any other!!