The song, “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” has been answered.
The entire searching for peace, freedom, truth, religion, world, love, devotion, honesty, humanity, goodness and the reason for existence has been answered.
There use to be a time when I used to put people at a fixed spot by asking them if they can justify their existence? It used to work as a “shut up” tool for those who acted over smart.
Inherently, I’d face the same question. For many a times, I had come very close to self-awareness. To answer, what and who I am? But the truth was so over whelming that I’d stand back and let it pass by. Or probably I didn’t find the prompt readiness for such commitment.
I talked with people related to the subject and poured my heart out on them realizing that they could see the truth in me. And to them, it was inevitable and very strong. My father saw it in me when I was young. He often called me “malang” or “dervaish” and I thought it was because I was careless and carefree of my attire and projected image and that he was making a polite noting of it.
He did see something that I knew too, but could not put my finger on it exactly.
I searched my “fit in” place, everywhere. You name it and I tried it. But nothing ever really worked, perfectly. It just was a make do….always leaving something unmet. A thirst, a feeling of being lost would keep my heart in unrest.
For the last few years I was searching for one question; “What am I paying for”? If everything I did, felt right and had no burden on my conscience? Why can’t I find my mistake so I could repent and do the due catharsis to feel free of the bad cloud hovering over me.
You see, I knew it too and believe in the purity of heart and soul. So much so that my heart and soul have to “OK” it, for me to accept or reject something. If I don’t get clear sign, I’d be left with contention and blinded quest.
So, there are people who stick to the purity of conscience, soul, mind and heart. And there are those who lose it. I come in the former category and needed to find peace which I have referred as women’s liberation, individual’s freedom, spirituality, goodness over worldly matters, peace of mind, independence, nature being the guide, purity of thoughts, belief in karma, the universal rule of justice, purity of intention more important than rituals for the sake of proving oneself as a religious person.
Nothing was wrong with any of this except that it would come under focused, narrow approach as opposed to a wider ideology.
I had heard as a child from my dad about the calling… he often use to refer to people having a mid life crisis as the deviated ones. He said, a man (woman) gets a calling from God. To really come towards him. People mistake it as regained youth and digress from the righteous path. But the calling can happen at any point of your life. The better a human you are, the sooner it is expected. It depends on the cleanliness of your heart, purification of your soul and eventually the mind follows. The calling is for the mind, I suppose.
If there is a yearning to find a purified state of being, the calling gets through easily. It is a blessing to have been called for since I was waiting for the day….but unfortunately chose not to follow and traded it for my worldly happiness.
THAT WAS MY MISTAKE!
- If realization is the first step than I am there.
- Next is to know how to undo and get things right.
- Third would be commitment.
- Lastly, finding the right balance between worldly affairs and inner peace. This is the trickiest stage, full of pit holes and mirages where the grasp on spiritual ways should be crystal clear as your guidance.
- The “I” in spirituality is described very well by Allama Iqbal as the concept of “khudi”.
I know if God helped my poor soul and showed me so clearly and evidently where it got derailed, He will show me how to go through the rest of the journey as well.
I know my reality and more than ever before this is the most appropriate time to connect with the inner self and own it to exalt the true essence of myself.
Happy Birthday to me! 🙂